


Drinking Makes Friendships

by dinolaur



Series: These Are Earth's Mightiest Heroes? [10]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-10
Updated: 2012-11-10
Packaged: 2017-11-18 08:16:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/558815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dinolaur/pseuds/dinolaur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve isn’t sure if the fighting or the getting along is worse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Drinking Makes Friendships

Bucky doesn’t get along with Tony. It’s troubling. Like, it really bothers Steve because he really wants his two best friends to get along. But they just don’t. And it doesn’t really surprise Steve. Bucky treats Tony almost exactly the same way he treated Howard back in the War, and Tony, unknowingly, responds in kind. It’s not hate. They don’t hate each other. Or at least, Steve knows Tony doesn’t hate Bucky. Bucky might be on the fence with Tony. Really, it’s more of a rivalry of sorts. They like to try to one up each other.

Which is why Steve finds them in the kitchen, glaring at each other across the table, shot glasses in their hands and a bottle of whiskey between them.

Not again.

He knows Bucky and Tony very well, so just a glance is all he needs to see that they’re a good few shots in. And a good few shots is all they need to start the spiral fall into out of control. Best to nip this in the bud. “Looks like you’ve had enough,” he says, reaching for the bottle.

Bucky grabs it with his left arm. And that is totally cheating. Because even though Steve’s strength is very much enhanced, it’s not stronger than Bucky’s robotic arm. “Leave it,” he says steadily.

“Come on, Bucky,” Steve says, trying to pry open the metallic fingers. It’s not working even a little bit. “You know how you two get, and I really don’t like having to step into the middle of these fights.”

“So just let it happen,” Tony says, and his slur is almost imperceptible. “Just look away.”

Bucky kind of snickers, and Steve tries to hold back a groan. Because if they get into one of those moods, the ones where they think each other are funny because they’ve found common ground in picking on Steve, it’s going to be a long night. And if he looks like it bothers him even fractionally, they’ll hone in on it like a pair of bloodhounds.

He’s still trying to keep this thing from escalading when Clint and Darcy return from their night out on the town with the visiting Asgardians. And Steve knows that this is a lost cause. This would be a time that it would be most prudent to surrender and just go up to bed, maybe stick in some headphones and just pretend that none of this is happening. But the last time he tried that, Clint wound up in the hospital, Natasha got a job as a fry cook, and they lost Tony and Bruce in Central Park for two days.

It’s best that he try to act as damage control. He’s only one man, but he is Captain America.

Going up against Bucky, Tony, Clint and Darcy, and five Asgardians. Swell.

As soon as the Asgardians see that liquor has already been brought out, Volstagg, from where, Steve has no idea, produces several bottles of Asgardian mead. The stuff is strong. It’s just about the only thing that can get Steve drunk. Bucky and Tony decide to take that as a challenge.

The challenge ends with them in the living room, and Steve is desperately trying to get Tony down from the top of the bookshelf. “How did you even get up there,” Steve cries. “You’re going to break your neck!”

From where they’re lazing around on the couch, Darcy comments to Clint, “Isn’t that usually your thing?”

“He’s moved too much stuff around,” Clint says. “I’ll have to build a new one.”

“I am the king of the world, Steve,” Tony crows. “This is my throne. I have taken this throne. And it is mine.”

Bucky suddenly pushes Steve out of the way, and declares, “A challenger approaches!”

Tony jumps around on top of the shelf, and, oh God, he’s going to break his neck, and Pepper is going to kill Steve. “Then let us do battle,” Tony cries.

And then apparently everyone decides to leave all sanity behind, because Darcy has honest to God dueling music playing from her iPod, and Clint has gone into the kitchen and come back with armfuls of kitchen utensils. Bucky and Tony are each outfitted with spatulas as swords, pot lids as shields, and strainers as helmets. Steve tries to stop it—because come on, he cooks with those—but he’s blocked by the Warriors Three, who, very loudly, declare that they wish to see this epic battle take place. And Sif decrees that Steve must not interject himself in this matter of honor and duty.

In the end, Tony winds up with a concussion and a sprained ankle. Bucky’s arm is broken, and he’s got a long cut above his right eye. Sitting between them in the emergency room waiting area, Steve hates them. He hates them both.

The next morning, Steve may or may not loiter around the kitchen waiting for them to wake up. Hint: he definitely sets up shop in front of the coffee pot and just waits. They come down around noon, and both are terrible messes. Their hair is sticking up in all sorts of directions, and they’re bandaged and bruised. They try to get around him and to the coffee pot, but Steve braces himself and does not budge. They groan and whine, and Steve has no pity as he lays into them, scolding them for their immature behavior. And he had told them, hadn’t he? He had told them that they would take it too far, that they would go to a level they shouldn’t have. And look what they have to show for it.

And no, no they cannot have any coffee right now. They can wait until he’s done. Because their behavior is completely irresponsible. What if something happens? What if there’s a Doom bot attack or Loki comes to town or there’s a giant horde of butterflies descending on the city? The team is out two people, a heavy hitter and a sharp shooter.

Not to mention, although they required a trip to the hospital at midnight, they could have done more damage to themselves. Tony’s got yet another concussion, for Christ’s sake, and Bucky could have lost an eye.

Steve has been looming over them for about fifteen minutes before Tony finally snaps. “Oh my God. The freezer, Steve. I will lock you in the walk-in freezer if you don’t step away from the coffee pot.”

“Is it sound proofed,” Bucky asks hopefully. “If it’s sound proofed, we can lock him in there, have coffee, and we won’t even have to listen to him yelling at us.”

“That,” Tony says pensively, “is the American dream.”


End file.
